The Testimonial Vault

When I began with Bob, my mind was a mess. I was on several medications for depression and anxiety, full of fear, indecisive, people pleasing, approval seeking, and believed that the best I could hope for in therapy or with medicines was to “manage” those things. I also believed I was alcoholic. I was constantly beating myself up for choices I’d made, analyzing every decision to the point of paralysis and if/when I did make a decision, I’d criticize my choices. I definitely wasn’t happy or peaceful. There was a continuous inner dialog and distress. My world was very small in that I sought safety above all else but my life was very boring. I was so risk averse, I wouldn’t even try a new food out of fear that I wouldn’t like it. I was so limited and paralyzed by fear, self judgement, fear of judgement from others, I was pretty miserable looking back on it.

The short answer is everything. For me, learning this way of operating in the world is a lifelong endeavor. I will be working with these concepts for the rest of my life refining, learning, and applying. I no longer believe I’m an alcoholic and am able to drink socially without negative consequences. I’m no longer on any medication and had been my entire adult life. I have CHOICES. Not only do I see choices I never saw before but I’m making choices. I’m living life. My life is rich. I’m at peace with myself. Even when I make a choice that didn’t go the way I’d planned or hoped, I look at it as information, pure and simple. I don’t beat myself up because the outcome wasn’t as intended. I use the experience to course correct. I trust myself now whereas before, I never did, at all. If I wanted to make a decision - even something as simple as taking a vacation, I felt the need to consult my friends and family. If they thought it was a good idea, I’d do it. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t. I believed others knew more or were smarter than me or saw things that I was missing. I trusted everyone BUT myself. I feel so free now to be who I am and live how I want. I know in my bones most of the time that I can handle anything in my path, no matter what. No longer do I have to forecast step 100 before taking step 1. I used to plan out every decision, predict several possible outcomes, create a plan B for each potential outcome, and be stuck in this endless problem solving. In the end, I’d be paralyzed and wouldn’t do anything because I couldn’t solve every possibility before I began so I wouldn’t even try. I’d give up, exhausted, discouraged, and bored with life. I felt like life was available to other people, not to me. I was enduring, not thriving. Before working with Bob, I was a shape shifter. I would adapt and adjust to whomever I was with. I didn’t know who I was, what I valued, what was important to me, how I wanted to show up for myself and others. I sought acceptance and wanted to fit in, to take up as little space as possible. I didn’t have a voice but even if I had, I didn’t have an opinion unless it was a self-critical one. I couldn’t tolerate disapproval from others and wanted everyone to like me. I never asked myself do I even like them? Do I want that person in MY life? Again, everything has changed. I’m doing things in my life that I never would have done. My life is ever changing, exciting, and the best years are now. I’m nearly 62 years old and am happier and freer than I’ve ever been. Many people at my age are looking at a long, downward spiral. I’m looking upward. I’m creating my best years one day at a time.

You will wish you’d begun this journey years ago. It will be hard. It will be challenging. There’s a learning curve, for sure. But it’s SO worth it. We are all handed a set of beliefs by our parents, our families, our communities, and our culture. Many of us are expected to perpetuate those beliefs and employ them in our lives - teach them to our children. “In THIS family,” we do thus and so. Few of us ask ourselves if this is how WE want to construct a life, our relationships, our family systems. “It’s just always been this way.” I first began believing that much of how I operated in the world were just universal truths, part of my DNA, rigid and not changeable. I no longer believe any of that is true. If I ever get a tattoo, it’s going to say “it ran in the family until it ran into me.” We get to choose. It took a long time for me to go from harsh, judgmental, criticism of myself and others to get to radical, nonjudgemental curiosity and observation. I get to look at the why behind things, accept people and myself exactly as they are and I am. I no longer live with expectation and resentment. But also, I have stronger boundaries and less tolerance for toxic people or behavior. I continue to work on detachment. If I observe someone interacting with me in a way that isn’t nourishing, I ask myself why it’s important that they do, how much exposure do I want to this person, etc. I shift by choosing myself rather than shifting to abandon myself in hopes of preserving a relationship that may no longer work for me at thetime. Again, it’s not easy. I was determined and committed because while I was not understanding the concepts in the beginning, I saw enough to keep at it. I’m grateful - and free! Join me!

I was indecisive, distraught, paranoid, anxious, feeling unsafe, and chronically suicidal. I spent countless days crying over a relationship that was simply never going to happen. I was falling apart.

After some time in therapy, and while my despair and anguish were still screaming at me, I realized what I was doing to myself. I had a moment that froze in time. The rational side of me stepped in and said, “Look at what you’re doing to yourself.” In that moment, I could see how I was making myself so unhappy. The light went on! This was the start of my journey into understanding how my beliefs drive how I feel. My epiphany helped me see that I needed to take a step back, articulate my beliefs, understand them, and decide if they still belonged in my life. I use that moment as my guide post to this day. Figuring out my beliefs was and will always be a challenge, but deciding if they make me unhappy and then letting those beliefs go is empowering and liberating.

This kind of work can truly be life changing. I feel more in control of my life now than ever before. For me, I take it one day at a time; it’s a work in progress. I’ve learned how to take inventory of my beliefs, own my feelings, and decide if and what I want to change about myself. My journey will remain an ongoing process and new challenges occur every day, like ambivalence and old beliefs creeping in, but I now have a method that I use to help me create a belief system that works for me, which at the end of the day makes me happy, not unhappy.

When we first started working together, I was personalizing circumstances and situations in ways that were not serving me well, coupled with highly unpleasant emotional dysregulation. More specifically, I was living life according to the stimulus-response model and allowing anger and rage to control me. Basically, I was allowing the real or perceived views of others to shape my identity and control my emotions. I often lived with a victim mentality, believing I needed to control everything and everybody.

My shift from operating in the cause-and-effect model to the stimulus-belief-response model has turned my beliefs about myself and others upside down, but in a challenging and healthy way. By no stretch of the imagination have I mastered or embodied this model completely, but I can now empathically sift through my responses with new lenses. Up until now, I have been rushing through life with minimal self-reflection. Now, I am learning to slow down to better understand myself, so I can be more in charge of how I think, believe, and feel.

This is an equal opportunity model and anyone can benefit from shifting into it. The time, energy, patience, and self-grace required to adopt this model are well worth it, considering the freedom and empowerment waiting on the other side. My only regret is not learning about this model sooner. Gladly, I’m not stuck in the regret. I choose gratitude for receiving this gift at all! For those on the fence or completely new to this model, I strongly suggest giving it a try. What is there to lose other than a reactive relationship with self and others? Take the exchange and give yourself the gift of a new way of life.

I was experiencing a crisis in my marriage and was trying to decide if I wanted to end the marriage or not. Ultimately, the work I did with you made me realize how unhappy I truly was in the marriage and that I had been living a life that was not true to myself. In turn, I was not only doing a disservice to myself but also to my wife at the time.

I ended that marriage and I have since remarried. I moved states and started a new career. My life is totally different now, but in good ways. I have finally found happiness and true love in my life.

I would say that this work is empowering and can change your life and how you approach the world if you allow it to work. For me, this came at exactly the time I needed it and helped me through the most difficult time in my life. I think this would work for anyone else who is open to change and needs help with something.

I was in very rough spot emotionally. I had just come out of a long term relationship, with my world and self-esteem in tatters. I was definitely in a place of overwhelm, and struggling to mend the broken pieces, as it were…

MUCH has shifted since then. I worked really hard to process my relationship, and found the work of grappling with beliefs I held to be true at any given moment was genuinely beneficial in many respects, and over time really helped me come back down to planet earth. I feel like my feet are planted more firmly on the ground today than perhaps they've ever been as such. Bob's experience, warm demeanor, method, and skillful facilitation were extremely helpful in retrospect.

DO IT! Any investment of time and energy towards freeing yourself and developing a more robust personal relationship is absolutely and unequivocally worth the effort. SBR is a powerful tool to have in your arsenal, it's certainly worked well to augment my healing. Bob is truly a master of this approach. If you're considering doing the work, he's the kind of practitioner you want to find.

When I first came to see Bob, I suffered from an inability to find grounding. I wanted a safe place to process the loss and hurt I had experienced. I was seeking to feel ease in life and increase my self-esteem.

Throughout our time together I have experienced acceptance always. I now see that the tools I was using to guide myself were mis assembled; how people pleasing to find peace led me to the exact opposite. Today, I know that my feelings and thoughts are there to guide me, and honoring them, I can clear a path forward. Using self judgement and shame to change was getting me more of the same. My self-esteem has increased dramatically.

I have experienced several therapists before meeting with Bob. No one used the technique of inquiry that helped me find the personalized route to myself. Having others inform me of psychological perspectives or their own insights to assure me that I was good, would heal and be “okay”, wasn’t creating the ease I was seeking and I felt myself wondering why others could see mental health for me but I didn’t feel it. I now know that the beliefs I have adopted are mine, unique to my life experiences, and only I have the insight to them to make adjustments so that they work better for me. I would encourage others to embrace this self-empowered technique because it guides you to where your own power is. It’s within.

Over the past year, Bob has been an essential support through one of the most significant life transitions I’ve experienced. I came to counseling in the middle of a major relationship rupture and a period of deep uncertainty, and his steady presence helped me find clarity when everything felt disorienting.

Over time, I started to feel more grounded in myself again. I was able to make decisions from a clearer place, rebuild my sense of direction, and navigate difficult emotions without feeling overwhelmed by them. His support has been a key part of that shift.

What stood out most was his ability to listen without judgment while also gently guiding me toward patterns I couldn’t see on my own. He didn’t rush the process or try to “fix” things quickly—instead, he helped me slow down enough to actually understand what I was moving through and why. I’m genuinely grateful for the consistency, care, and insight he’s offered during a really pivotal chapter of my life.

When I started working with Bob, I was 31 years old. At the time, I was struggling with the fear of losing my parents. These thoughts brought about feelings of impending doom and even thoughts of suicide. I also found myself dealing with depression because past relationships had me feeling unwanted and unloved. Bob introduced me to a simple model: Stimulus - Belief - Response. This model opened my eyes to the possibility that I could choose not to feel the way I was feeling. I began to understand that I was not a victim of my surroundings. I also realized that I was constantly trying to control everything around me, and that effort almost always resulted in disappointment.

What has shifted most is how I relate to myself. I am using more loving language in my inner dialogue. I call myself names less often, and I am becoming more impeccable with my words. I have become more willing to examine my thoughts, feelings and experiences closely. I am able to look at the things going on in my life with a microscope, without being fearful or worried about what I may find. Instead of avoiding what is happening within me, I have become more curious about it. This curiosity has helped me better understand myself and continue growing.

What I would say to someone considering this work is to become like a child; innocent, curious, always asking questions, and hungry to learn. The difference is that learning is not about other people; it is about learning about yourself. Approaching this work with child-like curiosity has been incredibly valuable. Asking questions, exploring my beliefs, and being willing to challenge old ways of thinking has allowed me to grow in ways I never expected. This simple model holds a key to realizing that life is much easier than we think it is.

Before we started working together, I felt deeply disappointed in myself because of actions I had taken in the past. Some of those things were within my control, and some were not, but I still carried a lot of guilt, shame, and negative emotion around them. I felt stuck, like I couldn’t fully move forward or trust myself again.

The biggest shift is that I went from being my own harshest critic to being much more accepting, grounded, and non-judgmental toward myself. I’ve also become clearer and more direct about the outcomes I want for myself and others. Things that once felt ambiguous, uncertain, or overwhelming now feel easier to understand and act on.

I would recommend this kind of coaching to anyone who is struggling to make sense of it all. It’s not a passive process — you have to be willing to do the work, examine your beliefs, and even change some of them. But if you’re open to that, it will be extremely valuable.

I was quarreling with my wife, blaming her and myself for how our relationship was working out. Time to time I would suggest suicide, and that would really piss her off.

I have been able to realize that her unhappiness doesn't have to be my unhappiness. I've learned to be more respectful of her ideas, and not to discount them offhand. That being said it's often two steps forward and one step back.

Don't expect immediate results, changing your belief system is (sometimes) a slow process. Remember that only you can make yourself angry, no one else can. Don't give up, you can make your life better.

When I first started working with Bob, I was exhausted. I had spent years trying to make difficult relationships work, trying to understand why people behaved the way they did, and believing that if I could just figure it out or explain myself better, things would get better. I had also grown up in a high control religion, so many of my beliefs about myself, relationships, responsibility, and even what made me "good enough" had never really been questioned. At the time I was trying to navigate the end of a relationship, co-parenting with someone who wasn't emotionally or mentally safe for me... I believed my emotional reactions were caused by what was happening around me. I didn't yet realize they were connected to the beliefs I was holding.

The biggest shift has been learning the difference between stimulus, belief, response instead of simply stimulus, response. That sounds simple, but it has changed almost every area of my life. Instead of trying to understand everyone else's behavior, I learned to examine my own beliefs. Every difficult situation became an opportunity to ask, "What belief is making this so painful?" Once I could identify them, I could decide whether they were true or still serving me. I trust myself more. I parent differently. I set healthier boundaries. I spend far less energy trying to convince people, fix people, or carry things that aren't mine to carry.

If you're looking for someone to simply give you advice, this probably isn't what you'll get. What you'll get is something much more valuable, a way of understanding yourself that you can use for the rest of your life. This work doesn't teach you how to avoid difficult situations. It teaches you how to recognize the beliefs that are creating your suffering, so you can respond intentionally instead of automatically. For me, it has been one of the most valuable things I've ever learned because it didn't just solve one problem, it changed how I approach all of them.

When we first started working together, I relied a lot on external validation, especially in dating and relationships. I struggled with believing I was enough on my own and often tied my worth to whether someone chose me. I had a hard time sitting with uncomfortable emotions, was very self-critical, and spent a lot of energy trying to control outcomes instead of trusting myself.

The biggest shift has been learning to come back to myself. I don’t feel as driven by the need for approval, and I’m much more aware of the patterns that were keeping me stuck. A huge part of this has been learning to really look at myself and my experiences without judgment—seeing my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with curiosity instead of criticism—and that’s what has allowed everything else to change. I’ve developed more self-compassion, stronger boundaries, and a greater sense of peace.

I’d tell them to be open, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. This isn’t about someone giving you all the answers. It’s about learning how to understand yourself differently and changing patterns that you may have carried for years. If you’re willing to do the work honestly, it can change the relationship you have with yourself, and that affects every other area of your life. It was one of the most valuable investments I’ve made in myself.

I believe my first time reaching out was after one of my parents had a traumatic injury. My struggle was with self-perceived value and allowing others to dictate my worth. I was unable to reconcile why I was treated a certain way and believed that I just needed to find the right words to convince them to change how they felt about me.

Working with you, I began to understand the "Stimulus, belief, response" model. My parents would likely keep their same stimulus pattern, but I had control over my belief and response to it. Do I need my parents to treat me differently? There was a time in my life when I did need them to take care of me, but I have been taking care of myself for over a decade. I could change my belief about still needing them to soften my response to their stimulus.

Everyone has a tool kit stocked with all of the skills you have accumulated over your life. Some of us are trying to use broken and mismatched tools we have found along the way to deal with some serious concerns. In my opinion, at some point in your life, it would be in your best interest to invest in your tool kit. Talk to an expert who can help you cultivate some lifelong skills in dealing with the weight of the past and obstacles of the future.